Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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