When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
