I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
