Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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