She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
