you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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