You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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