no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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