When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
These tits shall not be calmed
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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