I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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