You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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