Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
