I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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