i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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