What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
