I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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