I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
