got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
