ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
