When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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