Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize