im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
