listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize