dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
