So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
