what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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