Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just gift wrapped bread.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
