i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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