Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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