I can text with my tongue
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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