Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
