my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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