If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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