4 words: hood of his car
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
