Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
