It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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