I'm gonna have a badass scar
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
