Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i think i just lost a toe
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
