I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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