I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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