we have officially lost it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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