He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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