we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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