things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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