it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
