I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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