All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize