Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Houston, we have a blender
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
