mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
