he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
