neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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