oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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