hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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