Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
