I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
