I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
