also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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