My liver just broke up with me...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
