Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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